


Winging it- Phanfiction

by weirdlyabnormal



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Possible smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4485768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weirdlyabnormal/pseuds/weirdlyabnormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester is running a blog dedicated to his life- his role of winger in the Year 11 rugby team, friendship problems, navigating his tough catholic school while trying to stay closeted, and, probably most scarily, the crush he has on the other winger on the team- Daniel Howell. (This should be mostly fluff and angst, but smut is possible. There will also be violence because they're playing rugby.)</p><p>~ON HIATUS~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction so please dont be /too/ harsh and I know my spelling is probably shit so don't judge lol. I got the idea while reading 'Winger' but I promise I haven't stolen the plot- only the idea of rugby and its mannerisms. (btw the book is really good so if you have time to read it you definately should)

Phil’s POV 

**Thursday 7th September**

**Entry posted at 11:56am**

**Author: @strikingblue-eye**

Lying. It’s something I do so often now, yet I don’t really recall how it started. I guess that’s sort of something that comes with growing older and debatably wiser. The more you understand, the more you shield yourself from those outside, closing further and further within yourself, until all that’s left is the hollow skin you created for the benefit of others.

My school, St. Augustines Boarding (Catholic) School (usually shortened to the unfortunate name of STABS), is the place where I lie the most. I’ve only just started year 11, and this year is bound to be even worse than the hellish pit of year 10. Year 10 was when all the other boys got their growth spurt and I was left a measly 5”6 to every ones 5”11-ish. Being short sucked in most ways, except for rugby. I was the left winger for our team, which meant my height was advantageous as I was swifter than many of the bulky boys on the opposing teams.

Rugby, however much I loved it, was the source of many of my problems. With the sport came a severe sense of machismo, and the fact that I was well… not straight could easily turn my long-time friends against me, if I didn’t get kicked of the team that is. Another major problem was the huge crush I had on the other winger- Daniel Howell. I had to spend an hour after school with him 5 days a week, and due to our similar positions we had to discuss tactics very closely. We often had to mirror the others actions in the game itself, so we had got very good at hand signals across the field, and could often know where to pass before the other person knew it themselves. We had sort of become a package deal, you couldn’t just swap one of us out in the middle of the game because the other would perform so poorly it just wasn’t worth it.

It was torture.

Worst of all, he had started to come have lunch with me and my friends, just so the universe could plague me even more with thoughts of his soft curly hair, and how nice it would be to run my fingers through it, and how nice it would be to wake up next to his athletic form after a night of- no. I have to stop myself before I get down that hell hole.

I found it really hard to accept that I was gay, and now God or whoever has decided for his cruel amusement that Phil-the-idiot-Lester should fall in puppy-love with a straight boy. A straight boy with a _girlfriend._

Leslie Harling was his girlfriend. She was sweet, and honestly very nice and pretty. She was black, and usually wore her hair in her natural curls, but for special occasions she would straighten it, which I could only imagine how hard it would be as I found it difficult just to straighten my messy fringe. We talked often on account on her boyfriend suddenly deciding to spend more time with me, and I found we had very similar music taste, and video-games for that matter. If I was straight, she would probably be the kind of girl I would like. In fact, the only irritating thing about her was that she was taller than me, especially in the doc martins she only just about managed to get away with at school.

Leslie Harling was one of the few black people who went to STABS. It was weird, ‘cause the school itself was just outside London, which definitely was not just made of Caucasian people. The rumour was that since the school was able to pick who they wanted to accept, they would pick just enough people who weren’t Caucasian to fill the quotas. This was never filled with proof, but no-one would put it past the head teacher- Mrs. Ianns. She was a bit like some weird old lady who’d never woke herself out of the 1950’s. It was a shock in itself that she’d been able to keep her job after some of the things she had said- usually of the racist and homophobic nature- had been printed in a trashy local newspaper. My money was on the fact that she was very, very rich, and she probably had at least a few friends higher up who held the same views.

But anyway, back to the torture. Yesterday, as we were getting changed after Rugby, and I was doing the whole awkward not-look-to-much-but-look-enough-to-as-not-seem-weird thing Dan came up to me and asked if he could talk to me privately. I was a little flustered, as he was only in his underwear, and a topless Dan was something that could make even straight guys confused, with all those perfect abs. Actually, not to sound boastful, but I had the definite shape of abs coming along, but nothing could ever compete with the glistening goodness of Daniel Howells abs. I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and reply a definite ‘sure’. He replied with one of his award winning grins and said:

‘We should meet tomorrow outside the canteen’

(Honestly when I say award winning I mean it, he’s the name holder for best smile in the STABS sexiest awards. the results are posted each year on the STABS tumblr which is anonymously administered. Last year I won ‘cutest year 10 rugby player’ which I thought was sweet in an ever-so annoying way.)

And so, long story short, that’s why I’m now spending my Thursday lunchtime sitting outside the lunch hall waiting for him to appear.

Wish me luck!

Phil (aka @strikingblue-eye ^__^)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has something to tell Phil... will he like it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this chapter is probably going to be really predictable but yeah bear with me.

Phils POV

**Thursday 7th September**

**Posted at 10:17pm**

**Author: @strikingblue-eye**

Hey guys, how you doing? 

Im doing awful if you care to know.

I guess I've kept you in enough suspense, Dan said he's trying to get me a girlfriend. Like wow, I don't even get how he looked at me and thought 'what this boy needs is a girlfriend' but me being the idiot that I am sort of mumbled yes and now he's trying to set me up with one of Leslie's friends.

How could this have happened? 

How do you even get a girlfriend? Set a trap or something? 

Anyway he also asked me if I could help him with his maths exam, since he needed at least a predicted grade of B to stay on the team. Maths and media are the subjects I'm the best at, both predicted A*, but I still didn't want to tutor him as it would just be more time I had to spend with his perfect form. I still agreed though, since it was Daniel-fucking-Howell (I don't usually swear but desperate times call for desperate measures).

On a different note, I think that I've forgotten to tell you about the nicknames the rugby team give everyone. I'm Striker 'cause one time when I was drunk I said that it was a cool name, something I've regretted ever since. Dan's Pretty-boy, which sounds like it should be a compliment, but in rugby (our team at least), if you haven't broken a bone or got a distinct scar, you just aren't trying hard enough. Wingers usually get hurt the most easily due to our smaller frames,  but Dan's either very good or very lucky (I've broken my nose twice).

After I talked with Dan, I went back to my dorm. I'm in Wilde hall, which probably isn't the best name for an all boys dorm. The hall itself had three floors, each with three rooms and one bathroom and communal showers. 

Communal showers were awful.

I stand by the fact that they were invented purely so you could see who had the biggest penis (I was actually fairly well endowed which was at least one thing working in my favour).

I share my room with another rugby player, Pj (nickname: Bj) and a boy called Chris Kendal who was know for being really funny. Chris and Pj got on really badly,  which was unfortunate as we'd have to share a room for at least two more years. Chris got annoyed by the early alarms needed to wake us up for the before school rugby training we occasionally did, and Pj got angry at how much of a slob Chris was. 

The arguments were like my penis: long (sorry couldn't help myself).

But the worst thing about the hall was definitely the lights out by 10 policy.

(I'm writing this entry under my covers hoping that a teacher doesn't just happen to pop their heads in.)

So yeah... tune in next time to find out how the first study session went lol.

Bye :D 

Phil (aka @strikingblue-eye)

 


	3. honestly so cliche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo... This chapter is also v stupid forgive me.

Anonymous said:

omg does phil lester have a girlfriend???? he's honestly so cute do you think i should go for it lol?

STABS-secrets replied:

no ones really sure with striker lol. there were some weird rumours about him and carrie hope fletcher like last year (shes honestly soooo easy i hope he has better taste than that slut lol), but i think hes single. You should go for it lol!

-

Phil POV

**Friday 8th September**

**Posted at 9:45pm**

**Author: @Strikingblue-eye**

Yo guys whasssup

Omg that was so cringey... I'll just let myself out.

Anyway, studying was weird. We came directly from a fairly easy practice and he left his hair in that amazing cute curly style. Like seriously, his hotness was so overwhelming I couldn't even look at his face directly.

Is that weird? I think its weird.

Anyway, when we got to the 'Study centre' (aka library) were just joking and stuff (he has an insanely cute giggle omg) when I got a text from Carrie. Carrie's one of my best friends, next to PJ and Chris (even though they argue loads, we still manage to be a fairly amicable group of friends) but she's got herself a bit of a reputation, through barely any fault of her own mind you. Her nudes got posted by an arsehole of an ex on the STABS-secrets page, and shes been pretty much tortured ever since.

I have often been told that I could do better than my circle of friends, but I'm not sure. At least I don't have to lie too much with them, but if I hung out with the other Rugby players I would have to be so fake it wouldn't even be worth it. 

Anyway, Carrie sent me a text to check the STABS-secrets page. After asking Dan to check the question he had got wrong for the third time in a row, I loaded the page.

My first thoughts, 'what the fuck?', were soon replaced with 'who the fuck?'

Why would anyone want to go out with me? I'm shorter than about three quarters of the girls in my year and, with the risk of sounding really self-depricating, I definately am not that much of a looker. Dan asked me what was wrong so I showed him the post. His ears turned a little red as he giggled, maybe with  less force than before. 

'Looks like you have a secret admirer Striker'

If the admirer wasn't a boy (which it almost definately wasn't) I didn't want one. Not even a little bit.

And then the worst thing that could possibly ever happen, did.

'so... If you don't mind me asking, do you have a girlfriend'

'no' I replied, possibly with a little too much force and eye-rolling, 

'oh... or boyfriend then... I mean it's not like it matters.'

I gave him what was an attempt of a scoff but turned out more as a sobbing noise. He looked alarmed.

'Sorry I didn't mean to like touch a nerve or anything mate... Lets just get on with factorising.'

'Wonderful', I thought, 'the greatest chance I was probably ever going to get to coming out to my crush and I blew it'

If I was braver I would have replied with some stupid comment like 'to answer your question, girls aren't really my area' 

But instead we were now left to the cursed and poisioned silence, leaving me to think about what an idiot I was, and Dan to probably think what a homophobe I was for laughing at the idea of me being gay.

Life is stupid.

Phil.

Dans POV

I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. Not of Phil. Wasnt the whole point of getting a goddamed girlfriend was so you could prove to your parents, _to yourself,_  that this whole male attraction thing was a phase, something they could sort out with just the right percentage of praying and therapy?

Oh god, the therapy. Being locked in a room with a worn recording telling you that you are fundametally wrong, and the only way for salvation was to give up a part of yourself was definately not the way to persuade people to make the 'choice' to be straight. For me, it just made me angry, the cold, harsh anger that doesn't bubble down with age.

But despite this,  I believed it had been working, even just a little bit. That's why I've been getting closer to Phil recently, pushing myself, forcing myself to test my limits of the sin. Only, I went to far. Now, instead of the mild attraction I had felt, it had forced its way into an intense crush, 

I don't know what to do.

If I stop being friends with him, it'll ruin our friendship, and I couldn't ever bear the idea of not spending time with that clever, funny boy.

If I keep being friends with him, he'll find out the extent of my sin.

He obviously hates gay people, look at the way he scoffed when I suggested he could have a boyfriend.

I'm so confused.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. awkward...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris is outed, and Dan and Phil have some very awkward encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so unhappy with this chapter omg... Tw for homophobic slurs.

Anonymous said:

chris kendall's a faggot i saw him holding hands with this boy in town lol...

-external image-

STABS-secrets replied:

Omg what??? I always suspected lol, its always the weird ones. idk, know that you say it I can definately see it lol.

Third person POV

Dan and phil walked in a weird silence. They were walking further apart than before, and Dan was avoiding Phils gaze. If he had looked he would have seen the look of hurt on Phil's face. Dan's own eyes were filling with tears, and he jerkily moved to blot the tears threatening to overspill.

Phil realised Dan was crying. His hand reached out to grab his arm to stop him. They awkwardly stood facing each other, both trying to avert their eyes from the others. Niether was entierly sure quite why they were so upset, yet both felt the poisioned air suffocating them. Phil realised he was still holding Dan's elbow, and quickly let go.

"What's wrong, are you... are you okay?"

Dan sniffled, and Phil was once again reminded of his burning crush on the boy.

"It's nothing" Dan started to turn and walk, but Phil spoke before he could leave.

"Wait... You don't have to tell me if you don't want, why don't you come back to my dorm, it's still a couple of hours till lights out and I just got a box set of Death note for my birthday... we could watch a few episodes, you know, together."

Phil was blushing. He wasn't sure why, it wasn't like he'd asked him out or anything, but it felt special, important. It was a weird butterfly feeling, almost like hope.

Dan smiled a little before smearing the final tear from his cheek.

They continued to walk. Phil's hand itched to reach out towards Dan's, but thought better of it. Dan may not be homophobic, but that didn't mean he was gay, far less that he would be intrested in an idiot like Phil.

Dan lived in Eddison Hall, which was about a two minute walk from Wilde Hall. Dan's Hall was known for having the rougher boys of the school in there, whether it was by coincidence or had been planned no one was quite sure. 

Wilde hall was know for having intellectual people. PJ and Chris were both excedingly intelligent, and when they weren't arguing about how messy the room was ("Why the heck is there a moldy apple in the wardrobe?" "It's fucking morden art you imbecille") they were debating philosiphical and moral questions. PJ was the only person on the Rugby team taking art as a GCSE, and drama. He had gotten teased quite a lot when the players found out, but people had ultimately decided that they had bigger fish to fry than what a Year ten was interested in, and whether it made him gay or not. 

Chris was taking drama as well, and whether he and PJ liked it or not, they often made a very good patnership, and their dialogs were often the talk of the school due to their consistantly controversial nature.

It was irony in its finest form.

Anyway, Dan and Phil were walking up the stairs when they heard the sound of shouting. 

"Chris, unblock the door, let me in." It was PJ.

Phil eyes widened as he recognised the desperate tone in PJ's voice. This wasn't just Chris joking, or them arguing. Something was wrong. Phil ran up the rest of the stairs to see PJ standing outside their door, hands on the frame, head down against the door.

"Please Chris, Please" His voice got more aggressive on the second please. 

Phil put his hand on PJ's shoulder, and was faintly aware of Dan standing a little way behind him. PJ jumped a little at the sight of Phil and then sighed.

"Chris's blocked the door because an idiot said he was a faggot on the tumblr page, he's convinced we hate him". PJ said the last bit in a raised tone, obviously so Chris could hear him.

Phil could hear muffled sobs coming from the room.

"Why don't you break down the door?" PJ was one of the locks for the team, which meant he was excedingly strong, esspecially for his unsteryotypically slight frame. He was muscular, but had still kept the un-broad shoulders.

"Are you an idiot? We'll get in so much fucking trouble" PJ was starting to panic. When PJ panicked, he swore.

"Wait" Dan said suddenly "What about the door from the communial showers?"

The comunial showers linked all three of the rooms with thin corridors from the back of them. No-body really used the doors, not in the Wilde block at least, due to the revolting mould that was growing pretty much everywhere, but Dan had a point.

"I'll go check and see if he's locked it" Pj said, moving with a startling jolt.

That left Dan and Phil alone.

"Um... sorry about this I guess. Nothing's really that ordinary about my friends"

Dan laughed a little "At least you have friends"

Phil moved a step towards him until they were dangerously close. He wasn't sure where this confidence had come from, but he liked it. It made him feel in control, powerful. "Aren't I your friend?" His eyes flickered to Dan's lips, and his instinct was wildly trying to signal his brain that he shouldn't, couldn't, esspeccially not here, where anyone could see them.

He ignored it.

He saw Dan close his eyes and whisper 

"I was hoping for a little more than friends"

And there it was, the startings of what should have been Phil's first kiss. He closed his eyes, and used Dans arm to steady himself to lean closer and their lips were millimeters away-

"I can't believe the door wasn't fucking-" PJ sprang into the room, smiling enough to fill the room. Dan and Phil sprung apart, both hoping PJ hadn't seen what they had been about to do. They were wrong "Oh my god..."

They stood in awkward silence, all three of them blushing and looking around awkwardly, for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally Dan muttered "I think I'm going to go." He wouldn't even meet Phils eyes as he escaped down the stairway.

Phil was convinced Dan hated him, and why wouldn't he. He was just a filfthy faggot to him, and those words he had uttered had just been in the heat of the moment. Phil had no idea why he had aowed his instinct to take control and now, well now everything was ruined.

PJ rubbed the back of his neck and broke the noiseless corridors atmosphere "You and pretty-boy, who would've guessed" and grinned before saying "look as much as I would love to laugh at how tragically perfect this timing is, we have a room-mate crying his eyes out and I'm pretty sure we're meant to help him. You know, the room-mate code of honour and all that."

Phil took a couple of seconds to pull his eyes away from the stairwell Dan had left by, and then they were off.

They went in through the communial bathroom door, which Chris had apparently not thought about blocking, or even locking it seems, to find him in the fetal position on his bed.

He wasn't crying, not anymore, but his eyes were puffy and big.

PJ seemed un-fazed and proceded to tell Chris about the awkward almost kiss, at which Chris instantly perked up. If there was something that made him feel better it was that a) he wasnt the only non-straight person in the school (not even in his room it would seem) and b) awkward storys of kissing are always, _always_  funny, esspecially if they include your friends and particually hot rugby players.

"So is Dan gay too?" PJ concluded

"I don't know, and I never officially told you I was gay in the first place"

"Oh, so are you? You know, gay?" 

Phil gulped and said "Yeah, I guess I am"

And that is the story of how Phil came out to his best friends.

Once he told them, it felt like he was instantly lighter, but instantly more vunerable.

"I guess I should tell you guys then, what the person said about me on the website is true... I'm, I'm gay or bi or something, I don't really know just yet but yeah" Chris said this while swinging his legs around to sit on the side of his bed. He was looking at PJ, seemingly aiming this at him.

"Since it look like we're all sharing, I might as well say that I don't really know what I am, and I don't even care that you guys aren't straight you know? It wouldn't stop me from arguing with you about the state of our room, cause seriously, did you have to use both the wardrobe and the desk to block the door? Like jeeze if your gunna be a diva, at least make it easy for us to clean up after you" Pj giggled as he said the last bit, and the three of them knew that, for now at least, there was peace.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Chris has been outed, and Phil brutally rejected by his crush, how is anything going to be normal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long I was on holiday (with no wifi?!?!!), and then I went back to school and I was super stressed, and now I'm arguing with all my friends so I guess you could say this is me trying to keep busy so yeah... Enjoy :)

Anonymous said:

dan's been looking really sad lately... do u think he broke up with Leslie or somthing???? they weren't eating to gether yesterday....

STABS-sectrets replied:

Nah, I don't think so... I saw them earlier and they looked pretty wrapped up in each other if you know what I mean lol... Lke im sure shes gunna need to wear a scarf tommorow to hide the hickies lol

Phils POV

**Sunday 10th September**

**Posted at 10:02 am**

**Authour: @Strikingblue-eye**

Guys, guess who came out to two (or maybe 3) people???? Also (on a sadder note), guess who just got completely rebuffed by their crush...

Really though, the crush thing doesn't matter too much, I mean I'm sad that me and Dan can't go out (hopefully we can still be friends right?). I would let it go but the only thing is that I'm pretty sure he was gunna kiss me until my friend walked in... I guess he could be scared of people finding out that he's *not straight*? Idk, I'm just gunna leave the situation alone and hope for the best.

However, something far more exciting is that I came out to my roommates! They were super cool and I found out that they are both something other that straight (they don't have labels but thats cool). The only thing is that I feel so... I don't know, weird? After keeping it a secret for so ong I just cant help but feel vunerable... What happens if it gets slipped somehow?

Hey, if you have experiance of this can you comment about it???? like I have no idea what to do?

I'll see you tommorow (probably)

Bye for now :)

Leslie's Diary

Dan's been acting weird lately... First of he's all over me, then he's all over Phil (practically fawning over him) and then he's ignoring him and giving me hickies behind the maths block?  I hope he's okay with Phil, I know how close they are. The thing is, I don't really  _like_ likeDan, I mean, he's super nice and super cool and hot, but I liked him so much more when we were just friends. He asked me out so abruptly after coming back to school after the summer break, I don't know, I was shocked and just getting over another break-up and just decided, well, why not? The thing is, he only kisses and touches me when he's sure other people are watching. We haven't even had sex. He feels more like a best friend (albeit one which I kiss a fair amount) then a boyfriend. When he comes round to my dorm room, instead of putting a hairband on the door handle and kissing or, you know, something else, we sit together and fall into the same routine we had had as best friends, watching the Bake-Off and giggling at Mary Berrys use of 'soggy-bottom'. It's not like I'm sex crazy, or particuarly want hickies, but it would be nice if we could hold hands occassionally, or sit closer together, or that he would tell me that he actually like me that way. When he kisses me, it feels like he's preforming. 

I don't understand what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that im so inconsistant in the timings of me putting this up.... got a lot of stuff on my plate at the moment lol.

Dans POV

I can't believe I almost kissed Phil. I pushed myself too hard, fell too fast and now everything is screwed up.

Practice was awkward. We were practicing tackles, and, since phil and I are similar in build and weight, the coach put us together. Phil's face burned red as soon as my name was called next to his, and in a weird silence we fought and lunged. He was weaker than usual, or less focused. His hair was gelled so hard and so perfect that it stayed in complete formation the entire practice, even when I tackled him side on so we both slid on the floor. At one point he completely lunged at me and it ended up with him lying on top of me. Never have I been more glad of the extra padding and protection around you know... that area. The close contact with those pale hip bones got my groin kinda excited.

I pushed him off me.

In the changing room we tried to keep up conversation, but we could tell people were looking at us weirdly due to the lackluster way we were talking. In the end I just stayed in silence and left as soon as possible. 

I went to find Leslie

I was going to tell her the truth.

I couldn't keep leading her on like this.

I called her phone. It rung for a while before going to answerphone.

Hurridly, I looked in all the areas Leslie usually hung out: the library, the courtyard, the canteen. I couldn't enter her dorm, but she wasn't likely to be there at 4:30 (most people just dumped their books after the end of school before going to the extra curricular clubs to beef up their C.V's). If Leslie wasn't in the canteen she would probably be at a girls swim team meet up. Leslie was an average swimmer, but I'm pretty sure the reason she went was because it was a full boys-free hour and a half at the swimming pool, and the coach was pretty lax about them actually practicing in off-season, so they just got to mess about for a while. 

If she was swimming then it would mean it would be at least another hour until she got out. 

I texted her just in case:

_"hi leslie! It's dan (obviously duh) and i need to talk to u about something? give me a call whe n you get this or meet me in the courtyard maybe??? i'll be waiting there for u see you there okay :)"_

To my surprise she answered almost instantaneously:

_"Sorry I didn't answer before lol, whats up? u sound serious, u ok? I'm at the swim pool at the moment but i can probz get of early if its serious? nothings really happening the coach is sick so we have a really crap lifegaurd who honestly doesn't give a fuck what we do lol. so u want me to get out early?"_

_"yeah but only if its ok with you, i dont want to inpact ur swimming stuff... i'll be in the courtyard when ur ready"_

_"c u there love you dan hope ur ok lol"_

The courtyard was an open area in the middle of the main part of the school which you had to cross to get to each of the seperate subject blocks. It had a couple of trees which were at the moment starting to show the starts of decay. To the far right several picnic benches were lain out, yet only two were filled. Some of the younger students were sitting at one, giggling dementedly when a girl opened a fizzy coke bottle and it sprayed all over her blouse and tie. At another bench, this time under the plastic shelter coming of the side of the science block, a couple of the other year 11's were sitting with art books spread out and madly and scarily scribbling out drawings, so awe-inspiring that you could see the ecstatic impuses rushing through their veins.

I moved towards an empty bench near an weedly tree, moved the first of the fallen leaves of the top, and sat. I grabbed a book out of my bag- Never let me go, my GCSE modern text. I'd already read it twice, but I wanted to read it again before my exam _just_ to make safe. I needed good grades to get away from my family. I was thinking of applying at some six-form college in cambridge, meaning I'd only have to visit my family every so often. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that the amount of homophobia they sprout is doing awful for my mental health. The psycologists they had me going to didn't exactly do me to much good either. I think the most functual situation for me to exist with my family is when I live many hours away.

I'd read about four chapters when Leslie turned up, holding a cupcake and two coffees, Her hair scraped back into a dripping ponytail, her eyes slightly red from chlorine.

I don't know how this is going to go, but I have to do it.

It's the right thing to do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if this is okay lol.

Chris's POV

Sent at 5:01 pm

Monday 12th September

Dear Mum.

I have something to tell you, and I think that I should have told you way before now, but to tell you the truth I was scared.

You're probably thinking it's really serious as I haven't made any kinda wisecrack yet, and yes it is. Serious I mean. But don't worry I'm not dying or anything. Well, technically I am, but not in the immediate future. Anyway...

I'm Gay. Or  bi. I'm not really sure yet but I wanted you to know that well, I'm not straight. 

And yes I know you won't care, and I know you'll try to brush it off, but please, please, understand this is important to me okay? I love you and Sammy too much for you to not care or not understand.

I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you want me to be.

Love Chris.

Leslie's POV

I got changed from swimming as soon as possible. I wanted to get out of there as none of my close friends were there so I was just awkwardly third wheeling two best friends. It's not like I was actually doing any swimming anyway, and Dan always made me happy. I stopped of at the canteen on the way to the courtyard, and realised you could see my bra through the dripping chlorine-water from my hair. I shrugged on my blazer, something that was optional for year 10's and above. I picked up two coffees (black with two scoops of sugar for Dan and white for me) from the automated coffee machine. The coffee at school was pretty shitty, but it was free and strong enough to keep you awake for a fortnight. I brought myself a cherry and coconut cupcake (our school canteen was always trying to bring in more revenu by tryng odd combinations of foods, and I, as a self proffesed lover of cake, am their biggest custumor).

It was fairly warm outside, so my dripping hair wasn't too much of a problem, and I was fairly preocuppied in my thoughts untill I saw Dan. He was sitting on a bench by himself, hunched over a book, and even from a distance I could tell he was sticking his tounge out like he usually did when concentrating hard. It was moments like this that I yearned of our friendship days, when we could just sit reading together, mirroring each other, without him constantly trying to see who was watching, and if it was someone particuarly worthwhile (like Mary B. or Peter. S), him kissing the living daylights out of me (he thought I didn't notice that this was what he was doing). He was a good kisser, but it had no passion, no spark. 

Anyway, I walked over to the bench and smiled. He smirked weakly and took a coffee (it was mine so we swapped around again).

"Hi"

"hi"

He was sad. I could see from his face, see from his weak smile. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, the penny dropping that this was actually serious, that his texts hadn't just been that of a horny teenage boy.

"I have to tell you something. Can you promise me not to tell anyone?" He was avoinding eye contact, blushing slightly.

"Sure, yes I promise. What's wrong, are you alright?" To my surprise, his eyes were welling up, just slightly, and he was still avoinding eye contact. I put my hand out to hold his, whatever it was, it was important, important enough to make my boyfriend cry.

He pulled his hand away and put it under the table. I could see that he was wringing them.

Silence covered us for a few moments, moments that felt like decades, my hand still stretched out, ready for his.

"Dan, honestly you're scaring me. Why are you crying?" At this a tear spilled onto the cover of his book and with a cracking voice he said:

"I'm gay."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up? This chapter should be a little longer but idk, I dont have a lot of time to write these chapters as I'm starting my GCSE's and so my teachers have decided to give me like 700 hours of homework a night ugh

Dan's POV

"I'm Gay"

I heard Leslie take in a shaky breath, and I drew my eyes to her face.

She looked bewildered but after a couple of seconds she said "OK"

"You don't mind do you? I'm so so sorry I didn't tell you earlier. Please promise me you won't tell anyone."

"Look Dan, I'm not gunna lie, I'm annoyed that you didn't tell me and led me on, but I promise you that I'm not gunna tell anyone, It's not up to me. Look, I love you, and I always, always will, but, as i've been meaning to tell you for a while, only in a platonic way. Hey, are you okay?"

I was crying now, like actually crying. I felt like a twat, and some of the year sevens were looking at me funny. I mean I would be too, it wasn't everyday you saw a 15 year old boy crying his fucking eyes out. 

"I'm so sorry... and thank you. I'm really sorry to ask this, but can we pretend to be together just for a little bit longer"

She sighed. "I guess, but if someone asks me out I'm definately saying yes, just letting you know. Gotta be sharing the love"

It was a lame quip, but it instantly made feel better. 

I whiped the tears from my eyes. "do I look like I've been crying?"

"No, just like you've been smoking weed" Leslie grinned 

"Fuck off" I pushed her arm and we were okay.

We might not have talked it out, but that's just how it was with Leslie. She used humour to get out of awkward conversations.

PJ's Pov

I'm worried about my roomates. Chris just sits around and reads, and Phil spends all his time on the computer when he's not practicing or at school. Everyone on the team's noticed the failure of Phil and Dan's friendship, and the number 1 rumour (that I may or may not have started) is that Phil has a crush on Leslie and Dan found them kissing in the unisex loo.

(okay they might see through this when they see Dan and Leslie are fine but still... Adds to the otherwise dry drama of the team.)

Chris came back to our room with a teary-and-black-eye last night. When I asked him who did it he said it didn't matter, and I decided not to press. I went to the canteen and brought some iced cans of sprite so he could hold one to his eye to help with the throbbing. When I came back it was obvious he'd been crying more, but he tried to hide it from me. I sat next to him on his bunk.

"Who did this?"

"No-one"

"Well no-one's got a pretty mean right hook." He scowled at me.

"That was such a dad joke."

"Thanks, it's my speciality. But seriously, who did it?"

He sighed. "Johnathon Smale. He cornered me after Media studies, I mean it was kinda my fault, I did take that stupid shortcut down the side of the maths block"

"It wasn't your fault. Don't you dare say that."

I was so angry, and it shocked both of us. I didn't understand why Johnathon would, no _could,_ do that, not to a boy like chris, who was just so... Innocent? Not in the sense of his imagination, no, that was as dirty as any teenage boy. But in his mannerisms, in his speach. He would try to make people happy, even when he was feeling crap himself. How could you target someone like that? 

"I'm gunna fucking kill him the next time I see him" I was a couple of inches taller than Johnathon, and definately had a better muscle mass due to rugby. Chris and I both knew I could take him easy, especcially if I was angry at him.

"No, please don't" he looked up at me sharply

"Why not, he's a dickhead"

"I don't want you getting hurt. Not over me."

I looked at him. I mean properly looked. Over the last few days he had shrunk, maybe not in his litteral height, but the way he sat, as if he was taking up too much space. This weekend he had worn his blandest clothes, greys and blacks and navys, as opposed to his normal neons.

He had always found a way to make his school uniform more unique too, strange buttons that he only just got away with, the occasional badge that always, without fail, got consficated. However the saddest thing was his blazer. I remembered how he sat up for nights hand sowing a bright blue lining in the inside of his blazer, leaving Phil and I cursing at the desk lamp he needed on. When it was finished it became almost symbolic in our group of our individuality, how they could tell us how to wear and how to act, and I guess, looking back on it, who to love, but they could never take the uniqueness away. That we could be a perfect machine on the outside, but completely diffrent on the inside. Well, in any case, that was what Chris wrote on the detention essays he had to write about why he was disrispecting the school code  _yet again._ The sad thing was that he had ditched the blazer, and it wasn't in his storage at all (I had sneakily looked one afternoon when he went out to grab a sandwich). It was like he was trying to completely fade away all that was diffrent, or at least all the diffrent things about him that he could change.

"Why aren't you wearing your blazer? 

He gazed back at me.

"I don't need another reason to be beaten up do I ? A straight guy wears a blazer like that its unique, but with a gay guy he's just a faggot"

"Don't say that about yourself."

"What, that I'm a faggot? Well guess what I fucking am one" With this he stood up. I caught his hand. I stood to join him.

"Chris, I can't bear to see you hurt the way you are. You're a fucking decent human being, and I'm so sorry people can't see that, but I want you to know that I will always protect you okay? And maybe this time around protecting you is doing nothing, but please tell me if someone does something like this to you again." 

He nodded. My eyes flickered to his lips.

I let go of his hand and sat back down as Chris left, after giving me a steady look.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's mild racism in this chapter just letting you know... this is kinda a filler tbh and is really short sorry

Anonymous asked:

why are striker and dan arguing??? 

STABS-secrets replied:

Aparantly phil hit on Leslie???? idk why he'd think she was pretty, shes far too dark skinned lol... tbh though, phil could do much better

Phil's POV

**Thursday 14th September**

**Posted at 4:17 am**

**Author: @Strikingblue-eye**

Hey guys, how are you?

The main news spreading around the school at the moment is the rugby match between STABS and Birchwood school (a London state school.) Most of the people who go to STABS are very snobby, and think we could take them easy as we were richer (I'm not entierly sure how this logic panned out but I at least was not falling for it.) I'm not particularly worried, in fact I'm more worried at having to play a match for the first time with Dan since the almost-kiss.

But, to be honest, the most important thing to have happened recently is that Chris and PJ are going out (well... I'm at least 50% sure they are...). When I get back from lunches with Carrie, they're sitting cose together on one of their bunks, and would spring apart as soon as I got in, cheeks flushed. A couple of times I've woken up early to find them spooning on the bottom bunk, and I've pretended to not notice.

It's all sickeningly cute.

Another huge thing is a racist comment the STABS tumblr wrote about Leslie. Leslie pretended not to care what they'd said about her, but you could tell by her dulled laugh that she  _did_ care and it  _did_ matter. The thing is, nobody wanted to bring the account to the teachers, as half the posts about individual people were far too revealing (how people had sex in the pews of the Chapel for a real rush, the weed smokers behind the sports hall, and the slowly growing group of atheists- a very scary concept for those in head of the school).

And so this all meant that very little could be done, except support Leslie.

I think I'm gunna have to to get over Dan. It's sad, since I'm pretty sure he likes me back, but I can't let this get in the way of our friendship. I'm going to call him soon and talk it out.

Bye guys! Wish me luck!

Chris's POV

Dear Chris,

I want to start this letter by saying I love you. Also, I know you think I'm daft for not emailing you back and instead writing on paper, but something like this feels important, and when things are important I get the posh stationary out.

I will always love you, and protect you. I don't care about your sexuality in the sense that whomever you love I shall always be your mother. I do care in the sense that I want you to be able to succede and be happy, and I know this could get in the way. I care that this could get you targeted. If someone is bullying you please know that someone can help you darling. 

I will always love you. Please remember this.

Love Mama.

PJ's POV

I woke up at 3:00 am last night to a tapping on my shoulder. It was Chris with his duvet, and even in the dark I could tell he was crying. 

"I can't sleep" he mumbled before falling towards me. I pulled him into my bunk with as much co-ordination a sleep deprived guy could manage, and wrapped the duvets around us until we were wrapped tight together. I grabbed his hand and rubbed his thumb as he sobbed, his face facing mine, our eyes retaining as much contact as they could.

"Why can't I just be normal?" 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The match is coming up! Are Dan and Phil going to be alright to play?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> transphobic slur+ super mild mention of rape tw

FRIDAY 15th SEPTEMBER- DAY BEFORE MATCH.

Third person POV

Chris could taste blood and bile, a sickly and metalic taste in his mouth. It was the second time this week he'd been beaten up, and it was hard enough the first time to explain his bruises to his teachers, and he could only imagine how awful it was going to be now. Maybe he could ask Carrie is she had any foundation he could wear, but if someone noticed he was wearing it he would be bullied twice as hard.

That Wednesday Chris had woken up in PJ's bed. PJ was almost falling out on to the floor because Chris was so spread out. Their hands were loosely intertwined and PJ's eyes were fucoused on the celing. Chris could see Phil walking about the room, occassionally looking over and smiling. PJ looked over at Chris and seemed surprised to see him awake. He smiled slowly and twisted his body he was facing Chris.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Phil smiled at them before picking up his bag and leaving. 

Phil was going to double Media early. He was shooting a commercial for a hairdryer.

Anyway back to Friday, Chris could taste blood and bile. Johnathon had come after him after English. Johnathon was a footballer, and a recognised hottie. He often had several girls on the go at a time, and thought humour consisted of rape jokes and calling people trannys.

He wasn't what you would call 'nice'.

Quite a lot of people assumed he was overcomensating for the fact he had a tiny penis and was caught in the janitors closet with another footballer last year, David. They said they were just arguing, but it didn't explain how both of them had a boner at at least half mast when they came out. David and Johnathon got a lot of shit after that, and many hadn't forgot it, but Johnathon had adapted a new tough-boy persona and would punch anyone who mentioned David, let alone the incident.  

On the subject of footballers, the rugby team were definately not their biggest fans. They got about three times the funding even though the rugby team consistant got higher in the regional (and national!) leaderboard, and the players themselves were, for want of a better word, dickheads. They would never actually start a fight with the rugby team (the ruggers probably had triple the combined weight of the footballers) but they might as well have-they were always stiring up trouble.

 The rugby match was the next day, and pretty much everyone was talking about it. Home rugby matches usually had a good turn out of the pupils as it happened on a weekend. A few students went home on the weekends, but it was a small percentage, so it left the majority of the student body. On sundays the un-optional church service lasted  9-11:30, with optional services run in the afternoon. A good quarter of the students were super religious and went to all the optional meetups, but most students just used the free time to do last minute homework. For a catholic school, it was surprising how many people would secretly confess to you after you became closer friends how they were actually atheist yet, some of those who acted all blase about religion kept a bible by their bed and prayed every night. The unwritten rule at STABS was that you talked about religion as little as possible, and made little judgement on those with diffrent beliefs. Many wished this unwritten rule would stretch out to other topics.

After school Phil and PJ were walking to Rugby practice (it was going to basically be a recap of rules and plan of tactics) when phil saw Dan walking by himself. He excused himself to PJ who whispered "go get 'im tiger" as he was leaving.

Phil ran up to Dan and grinned like a child when he tapped his shoulder and Dan spun around. Dan couldn't help but smile when he saw the bumbling package of energy in front of him.

"Hi Dan!"

"Excited much?"

"Just a little, I love the first matches! What about you?"

"I love the matches that are obvious we're gunna win"

"That's a little cynical"

"What can I say, I love winning."

It was like they were pretending the last few days of silence never happened.

The walked peacefully for a few moments before Phil said:

"Look, I wanted to apologise for what happened in the corridor. It was obvious you were upset and I shouldn't have taken advantage by trying to kiss you." Dan sighed.

"Phil I have to tell you something." Dan's tone had got serious and lower and he stopped walking. Phil stopped too. They were on the edge of the small patch of trees you had to get through to get to the rugby pitch. "Promise you won't tell anyone else."

"Of course I promise, what's wrong?"

"Okay, well I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now but... I'm gay. I hope we can still be friends you know, and this wont make what happened in the corridor any more awkward, but yeah. I just had to tell you."

"Dan, and I should have told you much sooner, I'm gay too."

They both looked at each other, fidgited with their shirts for a while, before continuing walking. 

Practice was easy, and PJ wasn't the only one who noticed how much better Phil and Dan were getting on, their communication finally back on track. 

Everyone was confident that the match would run smoothly.

If only they knew.

 

 

 


	11. Rugby match!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is gunna be largely focused around Rugby so ill try and keep it simple (I'm no genius about it or anything but I'll put definitions in and rules in if I think their necassary). This is the first half of the Match. At the begining I'll put the names of the people in which positions to help you out in the story if I refer to them as numbers. If people don't like chapters focoused around Rugby please tell me and I won't write any more. Okay, enjoy ^__^

**~LEAFTLET ABOUT THE MATCH~**

**STABS RUGBY TEAM LINEUP.**

1 prop (loose head)- Sam Jones  _(Stubby)_

2 hooker- Alex Johnson  _(Fergie)_

3 prop (tight head)- Miles Bourgough  _(proclaimer)_

4 lock-  **PJ LIGOURI _(BJ)_**

5 lock- Samuel Harris  _(Sammy)_

6 flanker- James McCarthy _*no nickname*_

7 flanker- Andrew McCarthy  _(Steamroller)_

8 number 8- Harry Bridge  _(Susan-fucking-boyle or SFB)_

9 scrum half- Peter Love _(Pete)_

10 fly half-Aaron Brockman  _(Aaron Carter)_

11 left wing-  **DANIEL HOWELL _(Pretty-Boy)_**

12 left centre- Oliver Mileston  _(The saying of the word "OLIVER!" with huge excitement, as to mimick_ _the musical title)_

13 right centre- Edmund Morrison  _(turkish delight or TD)_

14 right wing-  **PHILIP LESTER _(Striker)_**

15 full back- Felix Pickford _*no nickname*_

DAY OF THE MATCH!

Third person POV

On match days the entire team had to get up at 6:00 am. Many of the players didn't get any sleep the night before a match anyway, so it wasn't too big a deal.   


They had to get to 'practice' by 7:00. It wasn't really hardcore practice, just a couple of laps round the pitch and throwing and catching. The kickers practiced, well, kicking and the wingers practiced 100 meter sprints. No one was allowed to practice any tackles or scrums in case of injury. After a couple of hours of that, at around 10:00, the team would have a large breakfast and talk tactics. Dan and Phil had to do the same thing in each game, stay back and too either side. Don't draw attention to themselves. This meant the tactics was pretty much irrelivant to them, as they'd never be expected to be lifted or join in a rolling maul ((loads of people protect the player with the ball and they sorta fight over the try line)). 

Dan and Phil spent most of the morning talking. It felt good to be friends again and ,although both wanted more, they both accepted that they might just have to rebuild their friendship before anything could actually happen. 

At 11:30 the other team arrived. The Birchwood players were pretty huge (most had probably been held back a year or something). They had an early lunch before going to their respective changing rooms to get prepared. The game started at 1:30. After the game was over there would be a meal for the teams, and a party of some forms.

Dan's POV 

It was 11:57 according to my watch. At the moment we were supposed to be socialising with the other team, but it was apparant they didn't want to talk to us. Phil and I did have some luck with the other teams full back, and we had a short conversation about boarding schools before he was called over by his team. The lunch ended up with our team sitting on one end of the table and Birchwood on the other.

After lunch we went to go get changed. It takes us about twenty to get changed for a proper match, since we have to use a fair amount of protection. Those who were involved in scrums had to put duck tape on their ears as well which was pretty funny to see, especcially with PJ since he had to place it so carefully as to not get it on his actualy hair. However, in this game he had just gone for a pretty tight head band. PJ and I had a talk about what he saw, and he said he wouldn't tell anybody about it, and we seemed to be at least a little bit closer.

Leslie and a couple of the other players girlfriends were allowed to come and visit at around 12:50 ish. Leslie came and chatted with us about tactics, gave PJ a note (I asked who it was from but PJ wouldn't tell-it was obviously a girlfriend or something since he blushed slightly and the tops of his ears turned red) and told us Chris and Carrie and her had made us special signs. They kicked the girls out at around 1:15 leaving us to get pshyced up and to listen to a pep talk from the fly half, Aaron Brockman (we usually called him Aaron Carter.)

And then we were off.

Chris's POV

I asked Leslie to give PJ a note from me. It was ridikulously cringey, very all-american-high-school-movie, but I couldn't exactly visit him with the girlfriends to tell him myself could I?

My note said:

_Hi._

_I'm sorry I had to send Leslie to give you this, and it probably could have waited, but I just wanted to tell you that I really like you. Like, like like you. (You probably guessed that by now)._

_Anyway, what I really wanted to tell you was good luck._

_And it's gunna be super awkward if you don't like me back._

_Bye._

A few minutes after giving it to her I started to get panicked. What if he really didn't like me back? If he didn't than we were completely screwed. I had to share a room with him for gods sake.

I needent have worried. When the teams came out of the changing rooms and took the 5 minute walk onto the pitch PJ was walking with the other lock, scouring the stands (we had three of those tiered stands that got constructed for sports matches).

He spotted our posters ("BJ BLOW OUR MINDS") caught eye contact with me and grinned. He kept on looking away and back up at me, more fidgity that usual. Leslie noticed this, and joked that I must have sent him a pretty cute love letter to put him in such a spin, to which I laughed and blushed a little.

The team captins shook hands and then the match started. If you know anything about rugby you know that if the teams were about evenly matched, the scores were very interchangeable, you could be up 10 at half time and lose by 10 at the end. That usually made a good game diffrent to an amazing one.

Birchwood and STABS were pretty even, except both had gone for diffrent tactics with the wingers. STABS had gone small but fast, Birchwood big but slower.

Dan and Phil looked positively miniature compared to the other teams wingers. 

First 10 minutes or so, neither team got past the 20 meter line. There were a couple of scrums, both teams knocked on at some point, but still, very little came of it.

 It was looking to be a fairly boring game when number 8 broke the Birchwood defensive line. He passed to 12 who ran the ball a few more meters before being tackled. The ball was moving again with one of the flankers- number 6- before being passed to Dan who managed to dodge a pretty hefty player and sprint the last couple of meters and score a try.

The STABS team ran at Dan, PJ actually lifted him up in celebration. The fly half took the conversion kick and scored.  **7-0**

Play started again. Birchwood's winger scored a try, but their kicker missed the conversion kick.  **7-5**

Game contiued in much the same fashion, a failed rolling maul from Birchwood was the most exciting thing to happen for the next 5-ish minutes. 

One of the the Birchwood players knocked on, so there was another scrum. They were lined up, and the Birchwood team was attempting to turn the scrum, but was unsucsessful, and STABS got the ball.

They ran with the ball, passing and dodging, until PJ was in possession. He ran a couple of meters before being illegally tackled around the neck. He was sent flying, but still managed to hold on to the ball, but he neededn't have worried since the referee stopped play anyway. 

The player who tackled PJ was given a yellow card, and went of the pitch fuming. STABS decided on a tap kick ((very small kick allowing a player to grab the ball and run foward with it)) and with some quick passing and misdirection, Phil just about managed to get the ball over the goal line due to a very big guy tackling him. Dan ran over and hugged Phil, and the other STABS players were laughing with happiness.

Phil had been on the very far right so the conversion kick was gunna be a little harder than otherwise, but the flyhalf still managed to score  **14-5**

Birchwood's flanker got the ball and ran hard with it, managing to get pass the 20 meter line before someone stopped him. The ball was passed to a scrum half who gained a few more meters, before passing to the left winger who managed to score a try. Our team was not playing on form, we should have been able to stop him. The kicker managed to get the conversion kick as well, bringing the scores to  **14-12**. 

The referee called for half time.

 

 


	12. Rugby match part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second half of the rugby match...

SECOND HALF. **14-12** TO STABS.

PJ's POV

I've literally spent my entier day third wheeling Dan and Phil. They've been making eyes at each other and subtley flirting to the point it was actually makeing me nauseated. They were cute though, and from the way Phil described it, if Dan wanted them to get together, he'd be happy, but he was also happy to wait until Dan was ready.

Phil was sweet like that.

That message from Chris had got me conflicted. The thing is I  _did_ really like Chris, and in that way, but I guess I'm just a coward. I've seen how badly bullied Chris got, and it would be unfair to ask if we could keep our relationship underwraps just cause I was scared of the same happening to me.

But then again, I couldn't deny my feelings could I? The morning when I awoke and he was in my bed I couldn't contain my hapiness. He was sleeping, his arm still reached towards me. He had this sweetness about him when he was calm, something that rarely came though when he was awake, and even more so now the secret was out. I felt elated for a few seconds, before my mood plummeted. How could people be so mean? Chris definately did not deserve at least half the shit people were throwing at him. 

When we came onto the pitch I saw Chris smiling at me and I grinned back, and I could feel myself blushing a little.

A couple of the lineouts ((Kinda like a throw in in football but not...It's the thing when someone is lifted up... idk how to explain it look it up)) had awkwardly pulled my thigh muscle, but I knew that once the adreniline got pumping I would barely feel the twinge.

The referee blew the whistle and we started. Almost immediately Birchwood tried. It was a good try on their part, as we were definately not on form, and they went round the Left-Wing, and Dan had a pretty amazing tackle, but at the end of the day it wasn't enough. The scored their conversion kick.  **14-19**

Another 10 minutes passed, and several of our players were getting very angry at our play, and small spats were breaking out between our players, especcially those sobby ones who believed that we should easily have beaten this State school, since we were private, and 'money always equals preformance'.

We got a penalty for one thing or another and a penalty kick ensured us another 3 points, but we were still laging behind.  **17-19**

The feeling of the match was very tense. Those watching were still cheering us on, but there was still a feeling of anxiety that we'd be beaten.

A couple of scrums and a couple of lineouts later and sadly, for us at least, they scored another penalty bringing the score to **17-22**

We were one try from even, so we were fairly confident we could bring it back. That was, until one of our flankers got tackled awkwardly and landed funny on his ankle, and a couple of us helped him hobble over to the stands. Getting injured was all part of rugby, and although it was rarely serious it would regularly put players out of a match or two. We only had a couple of subs since the boys at STABS tended to go for football instead of rugby, and the ones we did have were fairly poor players. I mean, a quarter of the players on the team were shit so how bad would you have to be to not even get on?

So we had a crap flanker, and everyone was arguing. The only good thing was that Chris was still excitedly cheering me on just inside my eyeline. Every so often I would look over and turn just slightly reder than I was before. Hopefully no one noticed, since I was starting to get tired and my cheeks were very flushed from the rugby. 

The next 10 minutes went with very little disturbance, though Birchwood was making things very tense, getting near to the goal line three times.There was five minutes left, and things were looking dire.

That is, until our full-back got the ball and kicked it down their side. It wasn't a particularly spectacular kick, but, by luck almost, our prop was down the other side, and managed to capture the ball and run quite far with it. We unaminously decided to just go for it, and I sprinted towards him. I caught the ball, but was immediately tackled. I managed to get the ball to the fly-half, who ran it about 6 meters before getting tackled rather ferociously. By now the feeling was electric, and I could taste blood in my mouth, but it didn't matter. We were at the five meter line. 

I got the ball again. I couldn't see who was free, and was looking around for what seemed like forever, but in reality was probably only a second before spotting Phil, open from opponants as the majority were all running towards me, and everyone had forgotten the skinny guy. I passed to him just as I got tackled from the side. 

Phils POV

I had the ball. I felt sick, and I knew that once this game was finished I would have to sleep for about 24 hours straight, but it didn't matter. I sprinted the last few meters, and was tackled just as I got over the line. I had scored.

My mind went mental. PJ helped me up, even though he was walking with a distinct limp and we both stood, in a weird shock for several seconds.

And then Dan was running at me, grinning, and I ran to him to finish the distance. He pulled me into a hug, but I was pulled away by a couple of the other players. This continued for a second until the defining moment of the match happened. Dan, who was standing just behind me, grabbed my hand to spin me around so we were looking at each other. His hand reached up to grab my face and he kissed me.

And I kissed him back.

He tasted of coffee. Is that a weird thing to notice? His breath was heavy, and although it only lasted a couple of seconds, my entier body's nerves became stimulated. Instinctivly I pulled myself closer to him and-

"FAGGOTS"

Nothing ruins the mood like a slur. 

We pulled apart and tried to look normal, but both of us were blushing and making awkward eye contact. Our fly half made us all get ready for the conversion kick, which was scored, so we had won, but that didn't seem to be the main thing on anybodys mind anymore.

The boy who yelled this, incidently, was a Birchwood player, who was punched in the face by PJ later in the evening.

The stands were animated with chattering and giggling, the occasionaly yell of 'faggots' followed by a screech of laughther, and there were still some reminants of the cheering from the match, but the main thing I noticed was the staring. I was used to being stared at once I'd scored a particularly good try, yet that would be kind, and often accomponied by a smile and a few happy words. And yes, they were mostly like that, but the ones I noticed, the ones I cared about were the harsh and judging glares I was getting it. I looked over to Chris who was smiling at someone behind me, and Carrie who was enthusiastically dancing when I noticed Leslie. She looked remarkably happy for someone who's boyfriend had just kissed another dude. She was, at this moment of time giving a thumbs up sign to Dan, who had run to walk beside me as we walked back to the changing rooms.

The changing rooms were awkward. When, before the match were were standing pretty much openly (or at least semi) naked in front of each other, we all were sorta hiding. It was something no one addressed and was left alone. After we were changed, a couple of the guys asked me and Dan if we were dating, and a couple of the ruder ones made lude hand gestures, but, to be honest, it was just the normal team messing about. No one tried anything with us, or called us faggots. 6 seperate players came up to either Dan or me to tell us they'd pick our side in a fight, and would beat up anyone who tried anything.

It made me ridiclously happy.

Yes, I was kinda annoyed to have been essentially outed by Dan, but at the end of the day, I knew that I would have come out soon anyway. I might as well do it in some kind-of blaze of glory than some post on my instagram.

Still, it would've been nice for him to have asked.

Later that evening he appologised, and I forgave him.

It was a new era for us.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took forever... my computer fucked up when I was uploading it so I had to write it again ugh


	13. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of homophobia and slurs in this one.

Anonymous asked:

striker and pretty-boy are such fags lol... i overheard Johnathon and some of his mates talking about some kinda fight. whodo you think would win?

STABS-secrets replied:

I hope that they get beaten up... first chris and now these guys??? the fag disease is spreading lol 

PJ's POV

We all went to the meal. I sat on one side of Phil, and Dan sat on the other, both of us sensing if one of them was gunna take it hard it would be Phil. Phil was shy and always avoided confrontation. If someone was to yell or say something mean to Phil, he would probably just instantly cry. They got sent a couple of dirty looks, but Dan and I just stared back, while Phil fidgited and avoided eye contact. 

We tried to skip the after party orginised by the school but we got roped in. We just sat together in the corner of the room and talked. Occassionally someone would come up and ask invasive questions or make lewd gestures, but we just ignored them.

After the school party there was another party organised by some of the students of STABS. Unlike the school organised party it would have alcohol and good music. Usually Dan PhIl and I would have been all over the party, but instead we decided to go back to the dorm, Dan came back to ours. Technically speaking, you weren't allowed guests in a room after 9:30p.m, but rules were usually pretty lax for winning teams after big matches.

We had some alcohol of our own, a bottle of vodka and some of that cheap wine you can get for a fiver at petrol stations. Alcohol wasn't allowed on school property, but this was the most widely broken rule in STABS history. If you went into any dorm room the inhabitants would have some beer or spirits stashed in a pile of laundry, or behind a desk or faulty floor panel.

Ours was hidden in Chrises old violin case. He had lost the actuall violin, but we had found that it was pretty much the perfect place to store anything (condoms and some poppers were currently hanging out with the drinks.)

We didn't have any proper glasses, or even mugs, so while Dan and Phil used the caps from listerine to drink vodka, while Chris and I drank wine out of the jug Phil used to water his cacti. 

Chris and I kept making eye contact and blushing. We couldn't have a conversation about what we wanted in front of Phil and Dan, so we just inched ourselves closer together and nursed our shared jug.

Later on in the night, when Dan and Phil were pretty hammered and making out on Phils bed, hair seriously dishevelled, Chris and I were sitting, watching them. It's same to say we were at least tipsy, and we were finding everything hilarious, especcially heckling the couple ("You need anything? some snacks, a condom?").

And then Chris giggled, and placed his hand on my thigh, lightly but deliberately. There was silence, and then he looked up shyly.

And I thought 'fuck'.

Because I was so so in love with this boy.

And I was so so scared. 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of slurs and homophobia and there is also a panic attack. Please don't read if this is an issue, I can summarise the chapter at the begining of the next if that helps.

Dan's POV

I was woken by a stream of light coming through the chinks in the blinds on Phil's room. I was on the carpeted floor, a thin blanket wrapped around me, and a pool of drool to my left. I sat up too quickly, and thats when I became aware of the sharp pounding in my head. I looked up to see if Phil was in his bed, but it was empty. Chris an PJ were spooning on one of their bunks, PJ's back turned to me, with Chris curled up tight in his arms. I could see that PJ was awake, and smiling softly.

I stood up. I was wearing the same clothes as I was yesterday, and they stunk of body odour. I was gunna have to ask if I could borrow a shirt.

It was Sunday. Which meant we had to go to mass with a hangover.

I was going to ask Phil out on a date today. I was thinking asking after mass, and we could get permission to go of campus sometime later this week. I mean, it wasn't exactly romantic having to fill out forms to go out on a date, but hopefully the date itself would be fun. I was thinking of instead of going to the capitol, we could go somewhere quieter, like Harpenden in Hetfordshire (some of my primary school friends lived there so I had been a couple of times). In fact, I looked it up, Harpenden had a fairground coming next weekend. I know it was cliche, but I think Phil would like it.

I didn't want to go back to my dorm. My roommates and I had never been particuarly close, and I'd heard them say homophobic things on more than one occassion. It's not like I thought I was gunna get beaten up or something, but I definately wouldn't be welcome.

I could ask to move dorms, but there weren't any other dorms in my hall with a bed free that would take me, so I was stuck. If you wanted to change rooms you had to do some paperwork, and while it would take only a couple of days to change dorms within a hall, it could easily take a month to change halls, as all your paperwork had to be reveiwed and moved, and you had to explain in detail why you wanted to move to several teachers. 

Anyway, we went to church. Phil and I sat next to each other, our pinkies linked. A lot of people were staring at us, mostly with curiosity, occasionally with hatred. Whenever somone looked at us particularly unkindly, I could sense Phil's discomfort and would stroke his thumb. He was fragile in the sense that the littlest thing could send him into turmoil, and I couldn't bear to see him so uncomfortable.

After church our group went to the courtyard. Carrie and Leslie were asking us loads of questions about our relationship and Phil was happier again.

"Are you like, together together? Like boyfriends?"

"I think so" Phil said. I blushed, and so did Phil.

"Yeah, yeah we are" I answered. Phil smiled and grabbed my hand under the table. 

"So who's gunna take who's name when you get married" Carrie laughed after saying it, while Leslie fake gasped and jabbed her with her elbow.

Phil and I laughed with them, but we were interupted by a shout:

"Oi fags, how you're arseholes doing after yesterday?" This was followed by a gross gesture and an eruption of laughter. It was kinda funny how the people at our school were all rich and posh, but still tried to use lanuage which was ascoisiated with more street people. It was kinda a funny mix of accents as well, and was definately not pulled off by whoever it was who yelled at us.

In fact, I wasn't even that insulted, it was just funny to me, but I could feel Phil freezing and shrinking next to me. 

I was about to get up and yell at them, I mean, it's not like they were intimidating, a group of scrawny arseholes with saggy trousers and snapbacks didn't scare me when I'd been tackled and had tackled guys three times their size, but PJ was there first. PJ was definately not tiny, and, if I'm honest, he's really scary when he's angry. I don't know him that well, but he seems pretty cool. He's pretty amazing at rugby, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was scouted at some point.

"What the fuck did you just say" PJ said as he stood up and moved towards them. Chris stood up too and tried to grab his shoulder but he moved out of his reach. I stayed by Phil, who was desperately trying not to look at the confrontation, his face burning up. 

They stopped laughing. 

"Never had you down as a queer BJ. The disease must be spreading." This was followed by laughter, but it was more uneasy than before. All the people at our table had faces like thunder, and Chris had walked up to PJ, presumably in an attempt to calm him down. Phil staring furiously at the floor, and I was clasping his hands tightly. One of the boys was telling the ringleader, Harry, to back off, cause they knew if they actually started a fight PJ could probably take all of them in one go, but Harry wasn't listening.

We had an audience now. Most of the people who had been eating lunch outside had turned to watch, and those who hadn't were eavesdropping.

"I'm warning you now, stop"

"What'll you do? Everyone knows faggots can't fight"

Now this was extrordinarily dumb, even for him. He was challenging PJ, a lock who had last season succssessfully scored a try while being takcled by five guys of varyingly high weight, and making it personal. Phil's breathing was quickening.

"PJ I know you're angry but come on, don't be an idiot" Chris was trying to stop him, but at the end of the day he had little chance against PJ's rage. Chris was holding him back, and so were Carrie and Leslie, but it wouldn't take him long to break free.

Phil was shaking, and breathing heavily. I needed to get him out of there. I tried to stand up, and lead him with me, but he was frozen to the spot, and his grip on my hand brought me back down to sit with him. The confrontation behind me had stopped as PJ realised what was happening, his anger ebbing away. I didn't really know what to do, so I stroked his back and spoke with him.

"I'm here, alright? Can you try and calm your breathing Phil?"

"I'm not going to leave you okay? Try to steady your breathing with me"

"Try to focus on me"

"Can you try to stand up for me?"

**"I love you."**


End file.
